Hey, Baseball: Ya Might As Well Change The Name of the MLB At-Bat 11 App to Laura...

Hey, Baseball: Ya Might As Well Change The Name of the MLB At-Bat 11 App to Laura...

You know why? Because it is as "compatible" with my "compatible" phone as I was "compatible" with that hideous (and now disbarred) succubus I once married.

You took $9.99 out of my checkbook, MLB. Laura's chunk, admittedly, was bigger.

I'd love to watch a game with you, because you TOLD me I'd be able to before I married... er, "bought" you, but my phone isn't good enough for you.

I'd love to listen to a game with you. But after about 45 seconds Nothing that comes out of your speaker is even remotely listenable. Just as... unlistenable as, say... LAURA!

So, enjoy my money, MLB. And my house. Wait, the house was Laura...

Batman Riding Superman; A Play In One Act.

EXTERIOR, LOWER STRATOSPHERE, DAY.

Superman: I wish I knew how to quit you.

Batman: Well, why don't you? Why don't you just let me be? It's because of you, Clark, that I'm like this!

Superman: I'm not you... I can't make it on a coupla high-altitude f--ks once or twice a year! (Flies higher, unbuckles codpiece.)

Batman: I'm nothin'... I'm nowhere... I can't stand being like this no more, Clark.

Superman: Get the f--k off me! (Batman falls)

SCENE.

Burger King Rolls Out New Sandwich: The BK 10:30.

Burger King Rolls Out New Sandwich: The BK 10:30.

Burger King, America's #2 Sh-t Food restaurant, announced that they are adding a "transitional" sandwich to their menu: The BK 10:30.

The BK 10:30 is a breakfast Croissan'wich that is, er . . . sandwiched between the two beefy patties of a Double Whopper.

"It can only be ordered around 10:30 in the morning," said HRH King, the creepy BK mascot. "That's when we are switching over from breakfast to lunch."

Burger King expects to sell about 100,000 a week nationwide, which is 99,980 more that the BK Veggie Burgers, which tastes like a cow's a--hole with mustard.

"The 'sandwich,' which has 4,400 calories and 420 grams of trans fat, face some opposition from the New Jersey Attorney General, who plans to arrest any BK employee that serves a BK 10:30.

"That is an myocardial infarction waiting to infarct," said the Attorney General. "Selling that is like selling a loaded revolver. Fat people will be dying by the unmarked-graveload."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie --also stuffed with beefy patties-- has other ideas.

"The BK 10:30 (nom) is now (nom, nom) the official State (nom, munch) sandwich of New (*farts*_ Jersey," we think he said.

The Libretto W100 Dual Screen PC: The Answer To A Question Nobody Asked.

Toshiba Unleashes the Product That Will Make You Forget About iPad! Toshiba Unleashes the Product That Will Make You Forget About iPad!

The New Libretto W100 from Toshiba answers a question that Netbooks answered two years ago: How do we get the unwashed masses to buy Ultra-Mobile PCs (UMPCs), the computers that marry processing speed considered blazing in 2003 with an LCD screen the size of a check engine light?

Toshiba believes it has the answer in the Libretto, their new Hybrid mini-notebook / e-reader. And it does have some interesting numbers behind it.

2 - Dual touchscreens: When held vertically, users will be able to page through both displays, like holding a really expensive, glass-paged copy of The Armageddon Script by Peter LeMesurier. When held horizontally, the lower screen serves as a keyboard and the upper screen as the display monitor. Neat!

7 - All Librettos, including the ready-to-be-used-and-then-forsaken Gary Coleman Signature Model, run a full copy of Windows 7 (formerly Windows ME v.2010)

5 - Has built-in Bluetooth 5, which is 4 more gooder than Bluetooth 1.

802.11n - Stealing neighbors' bandwidth so your cable company doesn't shut off your DSL for downloading DVD rips of seasons 1-21 of The Simpsons has never been easier, with the built in 802.11n antenna.

4,724 - How many of these $1100 glorified Nintendo DSs will be available, used, on eBay in 6 months.

Toshiba's Director of Post-Release Apologies, Nicole Smith, was giddy about their little invention: "The Netbook and UMPC market is very exciting now. And, frankly, we feel that the only competition that is out there is from Apple, as well as Acer, Panasonic, Samsung, Sharp Corporation, Philips, Hitachi, Pioneer, ST Microelectronics, Sony, JVC, Thomson SA, Hewlett-Packard, Mitsubishi Electronic, Daikin, IBM / Lenovo, LG-Philips, Dell, GE, Siemens, Fabrik, Compaq, Xerox and Apex.

"Remember when we said that the Gigabeat will make you forget about the iPod? Or when we said that HD DVD will make you forget about Blu-Ray? Well, um. . . Stare at this watch . . . you are getting sleepy. . . sleepier . . . You've never heard of the iPad . . . Sleepier. . . "

"So, buy a Libretto; it's not what you want, but at least it's more expensive."

When Lawyers Try To Manipulate God's Law...

When Lawyers Try To Manipulate God's Law...

Genesis 3

1Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

2And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

3But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

5For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

6And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

7And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

8And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

9And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

10And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

11And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

12And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

13And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

14And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

15And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

16Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

17And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

18Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

19In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

20And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.

21Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

22And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

23Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

24So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Casey Anthony: "Now The Search For The Real Killers Begins."

Now that Casey Anthony has been vindicated, persecuted for a murder someone else committed, she has vowed to find the real killers.

"Now that I have gotten away with this," said Casey, rocking her brand new, 'Not Guilty And Need Penis' pink-cami-tee. "I have enlisted the help of Jesus, Ivan Drago from Rocky III and Iron Man to begin my search for the real killer."

New Song By NumberTenCake Founder Available on iTunes, Amazon!

New Song By NumberTenCake Founder Available on iTunes, Amazon!

The new song by NumberTenCake founder and multi-instrumentalist Anthony Rosania is now available on iTunes and Amazon.com.

"It's called 'I Want to Lick You (But You Smell Like A Yeast Infection)', or something like that. It is a gigantic load of sh-t," said Rosania. "I had 45 minutes left on a block of studio time, I was trying to impress the woman who is now my wife, and so I threw this sh-t together."

"It's useless, masturbatory, bullsh-t music. Don't waste your money.

Dear Flabby: My Mother Lied During My Murder Trial...

Dear Flabby:

I am a 20-something former mother of 1. I am on trial for murder, and while I kinda love my mother, she really screwed up my trial.

My mother took the stand during my trial, and lied about searching for certain poisons on her computer. (It really was me who did it."

The trouble is, if she claimed to be Santa Claus, it would've been more believable. Now I am afraid that her lie is going to get me convicted.

What do I do, Dear Flabby? My life is on the line.

Signed,
F--ked In Florida.

Dear F--ked:

My intuition is that the jury is going to recognize your mother's actions as a noble, but misguided attempt to save you.

What will get you convicted is the fact that you killed your daughter and left her to rot in your trunk for a f--king month, you monster.

A greater concern is how it is gonna feel when you're strapped into the electric chair. Spark up, bitch.

Thanks for writing,
FLABBY.

Red Skelton Commentary on The Pledge of Allegiance, January 14,1969

Red Skelton
Commentary on The Pledge of Allegiance
January 14,1969

When I was a small boy in Vincennes, Indiana, I heard, I think, one of the most outstanding speeches I ever heard in my life. I think it compares with the Sermon on the Mount, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, and Socrates’ Speech to the Students.

We had just finished reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and he [Mr. Lasswell, the Principal of Vincennes High School] called us all together, and he says, “Uh, boys and girls, I have been listening to you recite the Pledge of Allegiance all semester, and it seems that it has become monotonous to you. Or, could it be, you do not understand the meaning of each word? If I may, I would like to recite the pledge, and give you a definition for each word:

I -- Me; an individual; a committee of one.

Pledge -- Dedicate all of my worldly goods to give without self-pity.

Allegiance -- My love and my devotion.

To the Flag -- Our standard. “Old Glory”; a symbol of courage. And wherever she waves, there is respect, because your loyalty has given her a dignity that shouts “Freedom is everybody's job.”

of the United -- That means we have all come together.

States -- Individual communities that have united into 48 great states; 48 individual communities with pride and dignity and purpose; all divided by imaginary boundaries, yet united to a common cause, and that’s love of country, of America.

And to the Republic -- A Republic: a sovereign state in which power is invested into the representatives chosen by the people to govern; and the government is the people; and it's from the people to the leaders, not from the leaders to the people.

For which it stands

One Nation -- Meaning "so blessed by God."

Indivisible -- Incapable of being divided.

With Liberty -- Which is freedom; the right of power for one to live his own life without fears, threats, or any sort of retaliation.

And Justice -- The principle and qualities of dealing fairly with others.

For All -- For All. That means, boys and girls, it's as much your country as it is mine.

Now let me hear you recite the Pledge of Allegiance:

I pledge allegiance
to the Flag of the United States of America,
and to the Republic, for which it stands;
one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Since I was a small boy, two states have been added to our country, and two words have been added to the Pledge of Allegiance: Under God. Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said, "That is a prayer" -- and that be eliminated from our schools, too?