Tweet Jesus! Pope Uses iPad2, Promptly Condemns It To Eternity In Hell.

"What-a da f--k?" said the Pope. "No-a da f--king Flash a-support? Jesus Chr... what? I no-am a da Italian? Sh-t."

New Song By NumberTenCake Founder Available on iTunes, Amazon!

New Song By NumberTenCake Founder Available on iTunes, Amazon!

The new song by NumberTenCake founder and multi-instrumentalist Anthony Rosania is now available on iTunes and Amazon.com.

"It's called 'I Want to Lick You (But You Smell Like A Yeast Infection)', or something like that. It is a gigantic load of sh-t," said Rosania. "I had 45 minutes left on a block of studio time, I was trying to impress the woman who is now my wife, and so I threw this sh-t together."

"It's useless, masturbatory, bullsh-t music. Don't waste your money.

Dear Flabby: My Mother Lied During My Murder Trial...

Dear Flabby:

I am a 20-something former mother of 1. I am on trial for murder, and while I kinda love my mother, she really screwed up my trial.

My mother took the stand during my trial, and lied about searching for certain poisons on her computer. (It really was me who did it."

The trouble is, if she claimed to be Santa Claus, it would've been more believable. Now I am afraid that her lie is going to get me convicted.

What do I do, Dear Flabby? My life is on the line.

Signed,
F--ked In Florida.

Dear F--ked:

My intuition is that the jury is going to recognize your mother's actions as a noble, but misguided attempt to save you.

What will get you convicted is the fact that you killed your daughter and left her to rot in your trunk for a f--king month, you monster.

A greater concern is how it is gonna feel when you're strapped into the electric chair. Spark up, bitch.

Thanks for writing,
FLABBY.

I Poked somebody on Facebook and now...

--- anthony rosania

I Poked somebody on Facebook and now...

‎...my finger has a cottage cheese-like discharge.

‎...Angelina Pivarnick is pregnant.

‎...I'll never wash this finger again.

...they want me to Google all over their Twitter.

‎...I'm paying child support for some kid named Farmville.

...I've been sued for sexual harassment.

...I'm 200 facebook credits poorer.

‎...Myspace is jealous.

‎...and now she won't stop messaging me.

‎...and now she says if I don't talk to her she's gonna kill herself on webcam.

...it hurts when I pee.

Millionaires For Christie Website Knocks New Jersey Governor's Wealth, Corpulence.

Millionaires For Christie Website Knocks New Jersey Governor's Wealth, Corpulence.

----by anthonyrosania

Topics: Fat, McDonalds, New Jersey, Governor, Chris Christie

A new website, which will not receive a free plug herein, is knocking New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's millionaire status and cholesterol levels in a series of new ads.

"Governor Christie cut our schools, women's health care and our public safety to give a tax break to millionaires," says the ad, which is appearing ad nauseum on New Jersey 101.5, ostensibly because the penis-cream ad dollars are drying up. "Christie hates schoolchildren as much as he hates fat-free salad dressing and aerobic exercise."

"With Christie in Trenton, fat-cat rich people and fast-food restaurants are raking in the bucks, while our Governor wipes his ass with your tax dollars," the ads continue. "And do you know how many tax dollars it takes to clean Governor Christie's ass? We don't either, but we're guessing it's more than 5 or 6."

"I made some pretty good investments. Should I apologize for that?" asked Christie, while snacking on bacon-wrapped Gummi Worms. "What do they want from me? I should be like, Oooh, sorry, legislature. I'd love to stick around and balance the budget, but I gotta fly back to Trenton and pick up my paycheck. Later, f--kers'?"

"I care about two things in this life," he concluded. "The welfare of the people of the great state of New Jersey, and forcing McDonalds to keep the McRib on the menu throughout the year [citation needed]."

Fresh Beats' Shayna Rose Now Only Young Star Never to be Arrested, Rehabbed, or Photographed Without Panties

---- anthonyrosania

26-year-old actress Shayna Rose, widely acclaimed for such memorable TV roles as 'Girl #2', 'Onlooker #5' and 'The Younger Wench' before becomming Marina on Nick, Jr.'s pandering "The Fresh Beat Band", has been named the only female actress under 30 who has not been arrested, rehabbed or been the subject of a split beav shot by papazazzi.

"It is great to see such a sprightly red-head win," said former inmate #46245, Lindsay Lohan, who has been ineligible for the award since she was 7. "Is the interview over? Come on, you promised me a pack of Parliament Lights if I spoke to you. Gimme them, you f--king a--hole!!!"

Despite never being the focus of a TMZ expose', Shayna is clear that she is not the good-girl her Fresh Beats character seems to be.

"My contract prevents me from doing two things: Acting in an immoral way in public, and actually learning how to play the instrument I pretend to play on the show. Everything else is available to me."

When not breaking the fourth wall on Fresh Beats, and pandering to the preschoolers who idolize her, Shayna has been known to stay up past 10PM, order not one but two Starbucks cappuchinos, and wow churchgoers with public displays of affection between she and her husband, actor Tinky-Winky Teletubby.

"One time, I was playing Monopoly with my castmates," said Rose. "When I stole Marvin Gardens from the banker, and kept it for myself. Pretty wild, huh?"

But, what did her castmates say?

"I don't know if they noticed. Twist and Kiki were doing rails in Kiki's trailer, and Shout said his AZT treatment makes him groggy, so he fell asleep.'

Heartbreak for Raven-Symone: Drastic Weight Loss Doesn't Cure The Gay.

If there's one thing Raven-Symoné never lacked, it's self-confidence, a rabid desire for hot girl-on-girl action, allegedly, and an LDL of 168.

All that has changed how, since the former Cheetah Girl has gone from Oprah to Keira Knightley, weight-wise, showing off a much slimmer look at Wednesday's People's Choice Awards.

"I'll be honest, I was sick of the fat jokes," said Raven, who broke into show business playing Cousin Oliver on The Cosby Show. "You know, 'Look, a dress made out of an Army tent. That's so Raven.' It gets old, quickly."

"Plus I read somewhere that being skinny makes a person less likely to be homosexual. That doesn't seem to work, however."

Interestingly, Raven never considered herself unattractive when she was a big fat mess.

"I thought I looked fabulous before and nobody else did," she tells PEOPLE magazine. "It's like, so, whatever."

Symoné, however, has proven another Hollywood truism: The minute she got skinny, ABC Family picked up her pilot, called The Great State of Georgia.

"Yeah, being a heifer certainly made it harder to find work," she said. "I spent a lot of time counting the millions I made from 'Cosby'. It's all still there, by the way. Do you guys have any donuts?"



(EDs: "I Thought I Looked Fabulous, No One Else Did." What a f--king pity. She didn't lose weight because she wanted to, she felt pressured to. The woman was damned hot, even a couple o' pounds above Health Department guidelines.)