Red Skelton Commentary on The Pledge of Allegiance, January 14,1969

Red Skelton
Commentary on The Pledge of Allegiance
January 14,1969

When I was a small boy in Vincennes, Indiana, I heard, I think, one of the most outstanding speeches I ever heard in my life. I think it compares with the Sermon on the Mount, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, and Socrates’ Speech to the Students.

We had just finished reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and he [Mr. Lasswell, the Principal of Vincennes High School] called us all together, and he says, “Uh, boys and girls, I have been listening to you recite the Pledge of Allegiance all semester, and it seems that it has become monotonous to you. Or, could it be, you do not understand the meaning of each word? If I may, I would like to recite the pledge, and give you a definition for each word:

I -- Me; an individual; a committee of one.

Pledge -- Dedicate all of my worldly goods to give without self-pity.

Allegiance -- My love and my devotion.

To the Flag -- Our standard. “Old Glory”; a symbol of courage. And wherever she waves, there is respect, because your loyalty has given her a dignity that shouts “Freedom is everybody's job.”

of the United -- That means we have all come together.

States -- Individual communities that have united into 48 great states; 48 individual communities with pride and dignity and purpose; all divided by imaginary boundaries, yet united to a common cause, and that’s love of country, of America.

And to the Republic -- A Republic: a sovereign state in which power is invested into the representatives chosen by the people to govern; and the government is the people; and it's from the people to the leaders, not from the leaders to the people.

For which it stands

One Nation -- Meaning "so blessed by God."

Indivisible -- Incapable of being divided.

With Liberty -- Which is freedom; the right of power for one to live his own life without fears, threats, or any sort of retaliation.

And Justice -- The principle and qualities of dealing fairly with others.

For All -- For All. That means, boys and girls, it's as much your country as it is mine.

Now let me hear you recite the Pledge of Allegiance:

I pledge allegiance
to the Flag of the United States of America,
and to the Republic, for which it stands;
one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Since I was a small boy, two states have been added to our country, and two words have been added to the Pledge of Allegiance: Under God. Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said, "That is a prayer" -- and that be eliminated from our schools, too?

This is New York City(TM): June 29-July 12

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	calendar of events/ July 5–September 10 Hair The revival of the classic musical returns to Broadway for the summer. July 7–22 Japan Cuts 2011 The fifth—and biggest-ever—edition of the festival features 32 new films. July 7–August 4 SummerNights at The Jewish Museum Hazmat Modine and the Sexteto Rodriguez Cuban-Jewish All Stars are among the bands performing. July 8–October 16 On Eagles' Wings: The King James Bible Turns 400 The Museum of Biblical Art examines the origins of the most influential book in the history of the English language. go to full calendar. Follow Us on Twitter To get daily tips about restaurants, shopping and events in NYC, whether you're a visitor or a local, follow nycgo.com on Twitter.
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Institutional Anti-Mozambiqueism In My World Today. OR Why Apathy Can Be Misconstrued As Prejudice.

Dear Flabby:

I am a proud cum-guzzler, and I wanted to share with you a GREAT EXAMPLE of institutionalized homophobia in today's society. Everyone who comes into my office for various needs says to my non-baloney-smoking co-worker "So, how was your weekend?", but no one, NO ONE. asks me, "how was Pride Weekend?"

I am sick to death of it.

Signed; Butter-Gutter.

Dear Mr. Gutter.

I TOTALLY know what you mean!!! In fact, here is an xample of institutional Anti Mozambiqueism in my world today: While every person with whom I came into contact today asked me how my weekend was, not ONE asked me how I celebrated Mozambique's Independence From Portugal Day.

At first I thought it was just because Mozambique's Independence From Portugal Day was more relevant to my life than theirs, or that maybe no one gives a happy horse-f--k about what I did over the weekend.

Now I realize they're just prejudiced louts.

Gov. Christie: I Am Not A Fan Of Same-Sex Marriage. Closing Schools and Pouring Pancake Syrup on Salad is OK, Tho.

In the face of New York Governor Andrew Cuomo's courageous decision to back legislation legalizing same-sex marriage, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie took to the airwaves to put his Cheetos-encrusted thumbprint on the debate.

"I am not a fan of same-sex marriage," said Republican Christie, "just as I am not a fan of aerobic exercise and portion control."

"To me," he continued, "marriage between one man and one woman is as wholesome and American as automatic walkways at shopping malls, brown sugar and pancake syrup on salads, and making clandestine, spermatozoac uterine deposits into my Lieutenant Governor, allegedly."

Nevertheless, a few outspoken NYC gays responded with cautious gratitude to Gov. Cuomo:

"So, New York has legalized gay marriage, and everyone is cool about it, right? said one angry homo. "No 'Thanks, but it should have happened ages ago' frustration? Okay dokey. A marriage license and hot, man-on-man action is in my immediate future."

What happens in Narnia stays in Narnia.

What happens in Narnia stays in Narnia.

Funniest Response to Our "Write for Defamationstation.com" Craigslist.org ad.

We received a number of FANTASTIC responses to our "Write For Defamationstation.com" ad on Craigslist. ()

And then this a--hole wrote us. Here is his email, verbatim.

Dear fellow amateur comedy writer: (ED: Amateur?)

No, I do not want to write for your website. Comedic satire went the way of Victorian era etiquette, dollar gasoline, change we can believe in and the rapture: that sh-t was played out years ago. Why would I want to throw my pearls of brilliant insight and observation to the swine of the unemployed American public, that being the only segment of the world population with nothing better to do than become the target demographic of a no name comic with a domain name from GoDaddy he spent his last twenty bucks on?

F--k that noise.

If I wanted to put myself through that type of anguish, I could just as easily sit at home and stick pins in my eyes. If I really wanted to make America think about what's going on in the world, I would much rather draw up stick figure diagrams of how to masturbate with a cheese grater and baseball bat. These would at least stand a chance of being taken seriously by the idiots in the throes of being black out drunk or on day two point five of a three day meth binge, and therefore demonstrate the evils of bottom of the barrel internet content solicited by the a--holular second fiddle from another purveyor of bottom of the barrel internet content. In conclusion, comedic satire is for dip sh-ts and pricks who will eventually become exactly what they seek to satirize: dip sh-ts and pricks. I will not sully my moral or intellectual integrity by contributing to your project.

COLLIN RUSSERT
crussert@gmail.com


Really? I mean, it doesn't break my heart to be called the "a--holular second fiddle from another purveyor of bottom of the barrel internet content"; yay, bottom of the barrel internet content. What I don't understand is why waste all this time? I mean, he had to stop writing his own manifesto, search craiglist for writing gigs, find ours, read it, research me to find out that I am a "no name comic", and then craft this email. Holy crap.

The moral of this story?
1.) Don't insult defamationstation.com readers!
2.) Emails to publishers (even bottom of the barrel internet publishers) become their property, ad can be used as they see fit.


Gosh, I hope I don't forget to remove his name and email address. And his Facebook page. (ED: http://www.facebook.com/people/Collin-Russert/1108597808)

Dear Tybalt...

Dear Tybalt:

I love you. You are a great kitten. However, if you bite my lip while I am sleeping one more time, I will END you.

Love, Daddy.

Apple Sues God: Actual Apples Look Too Much Like Apple Logo.

Apple Sues God: Actual Apples Look Too Much Like Apple Logo.

In a move that stunned Christians and non-Christians alike, Apple, Inc. has filed a lawsuit against God, claiming that real apples look too much like Apple, Inc.'s logo.

"We own the worldwide-rights to Apple, pure and simple," said bile-averse Applechief Steve Jobs. "Create a product that looks like trademarked Apple intellectual property at your peril."

The suit, Apple, Inc. vs. God, Yahweh, Mother Nature Et. Al. seeks damages in excess of 550 trillion dollars, or the approximate net worth of the entire planet.

Legal experts feel that God will have to prove that His use of the apple logo predates Apple's.

Apple, Inc.'s lead mad scientist, Steve Jobs, believes that Apple will prevail at trial.

"I don't care if the reanimated corpse of Johnny Cochran drops in the Judge's mailbox a lump of Brachiosaurus sh-t with apple seeds in it. WE are above the law," said Jobs. "Bwa, ha ha ha. Too much? Too over the top?"

"Did you know Cisco patented 'iPhone' in 2000? We stole it," said Jobs. "In 1978 we promised Apple Corps, the Beatles record company, that we would stay out of the music-selling business. Ha! Does iTunes count, f--kers?"

"Hell, we sued the City of New York over their use of apples in promotional material. The city is now 'The Big Herpes Sore'," continued Jobs. "In fact, if anyone in the world eats an apple, or starts a word with a lowercase 'i', they need to write us a check."

God, spotted playing SkeeBall in corporeal form on the Asbury Park boardwalk, seemed amused by the suit.

"In the early 1900's, Standard Oil threatened to sue every person in the United States," said God. "Their theory was that every US citizen somehow benefitted by gasoline-powered travel, and thus owed Standard a royalty. That didn't last long."

"It happens once every 100 years or so," said the Creator. "A company strings together a few successful quarters, and suddenly they are growling German Shepherds, guarding their food bowl."

"They'll learn."

Playboy Magazine At 57: Can People Still Beat Off To It?

For those of us who found a brace of semi-moist Playboy magazines inexplicably stashed in the woods near their home -- and spontaneously gummed up their Underoos with Tween-Jizz before they got home, looking at a Playboy magazine in its 57th year of publication might be a bit unsatisfying.

"It's so tame," writes a former fan on the 'Playboy Wanksters' blog, "I couldn't beat off to this if Selma Hayek held the magazine open with her asscheeks."

Indeed, the same Playboy who made boobie-shots available -even acceptable- for the general public has become a bit staid in it's senior years.

"No self-caressing, no little brown balloon-knot, not one shot of a model pulling apart her lips so that it looks like an open-faced roast beef sandwich?" said the blogger. "Why would I buy this if I can befoul my keyboard with man-jelly in 5 minutes on Youporn?"

John Mayer Cancels Tour Due to Terrible Case of Suck

Immature Kiss and Tell narcissist and perpetual douchebag John Mayer has canceled several shows in Europe due to illness, according to a posting on his Web site, Guess-who-Im-nailing-now.org

Mayer is returning home to the United States, where he will be treated for his suckiness.

Suck, first identified in 70s crooner Tony Orlando, as suffered by most of the artists on Warner Records, can not be cured. "He can Suck less, under a doctor's supervision," Said Dr. Martens, Chief of Doucheology at Harvard Hospital. "But he will never stop Sucking completely."

Earlier this week, Mayer played a sold out show in Copenhagen, but has cancelled his second performance in the city.

The message on Mayer's web site: "Regrettably, Mr. Mayer's Sucking has caused his remaining European shows scheduled through this week to be cancelled as well as in Amsterdam, Madrid and Manchester," says the message. "Ticket holders should apply for refund from point of purchase."

John hopes that his Suckiness will not delay his upcoming U.S. dates.

How to Cook A Kitten.

My wife, children and I went out for lunch, and came home with two kittens. And, God, were those kittens delicious. Here's what I do:

In about 1/4'' of extra-virgin olive oil I sautee' slivers of garlic. Not slices, because they'd just melt. Take the sauteed garlic out and dry it on a paper towel.

Next, reduce the oil to about 250F --use a candy thermometer if you have one-- and drop in the kittens. (For you novices out there, the kittens should be parboiled, which aids in the removal of the skin.)

Fry them at 250F for about 90 seconds each side. Then remove them, heat the oil to about 450F and put 'em in again. This flash fry will seal in the delicious juices, while the pre-fry makes the meat more tender.

Once the kittens are done (probably3-5 minutes), put them aside and discard all but 3 tablespoons of the oil. Stir-fry 4 oz. of water chestnuts, 4 oz. of baby corn and diagonally-cut broccoli rabe. 30 seconds or so should do it.

Serve them together with a cold ginger reduction, topped with chopped wild scallions and 1/2 tsp. of Flying Fish roe.

As an aside, starting this course with a Belgian Endive and Salmon en Papillote makes the kitten meat really pop with flavor.